Today I mailed off my divorce paperwork to the court. The documents summing up the assets/debts of our marriage aren’t endorsed yet or accepted or even considered filed yet but it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Yes, they could still be rejected but I still felt relief at taking the huge step in what has been a very long/ugly journey. There was a slight twinge where I felt sadness for an instant. Saying goodbye to 8 years of a marriage and 10 years of a relationship is never easy but it helps when that marriage got so toxic over the last 3 years that I ate myself to over 300 pounds trying to convince myself I was happy.
They say when you let go of what is weighing you down it opens up room for good to come into your life. I never believed that saying till I asked my husband to leave our home last March after what had been the hardest 3 years of my life. I felt every emotion known to man. I sat in the dark many nights paralyzed because the grief felt too heavy. I fought for my marriage because I truly believed in marriage and that you should fight for it. But I also learned a very tough lesson, you can’t be the only one fighting and there are somethings that you can’t fight.
I spent the first 7 months taking care of myself and learning to enjoy my own company. I got up each morning and went to work. I paid the bills. I fed and walked the dogs. I bought a night light because I couldn’t sleep in the dark. I made healthy dinners for one. I worked out. I cleaned. I talked on the phone a lot to the people who supported me. I re-decorated to make the home feel like mine. I went on a few blind dates. I never allowed myself to be petty or cruel or mean even though I received many hateful words spat at me by my ex. I just simply took care of myself and the house and my animals each day.
I discovered a strength inside of me I didn’t know I had.
Once the stress was gone the weight started dropping off me and for the first time in 5 years I was below 300 pounds. I feel good in my skin. I feel beautiful. I am wearing a size I haven’t worn since my senior year in high school. Somewhere in the grief and sadness and pain that threatened to take me over, I found a way to take care of myself and love myself.
So today, in celebration of taking healthy steps for myself and surviving what was a very tough 2015, I am checking out gyms to get myself a new gym membership. I also made yoga plans on Sunday to get back into yoga. I am excited to see how much further I can go in 2016.
New Year, New Beginning!