I was walking from the parking garage to work this morning in my wedged heals and skinny boyfriend jeans, I had my headphones in and I was letting my thoughts drift. As I walked I realized there is something different about me lately. It shows in the way that I walk, the way I talk, the way I stand tall and the way that I feel about my own body.
I have become someone who is confident and comfortable.
Have you ever felt so uncomfortable in your own skin that you didn’t want anyone looking at you? Well I have. At my heaviest I weighed a number that haunted my dreams. I was so afraid of what it was doing to my body. My knees hurt all the time, I had no energy and I certainly didn’t have any confidence. I was trapped inside my own personal hell. I avoided social situations whenever I could and when I had to go I would look away while talking to other people. I was never sure of myself enough to look into their eyes. I was humiliated and afraid they were judging me.
So what happened 7 months ago that changed how I was treating my body? Simple, I let go of a really toxic relationship that was clogging every inch of my mind and causing me to withdraw deeply into myself. This relationship was at times so toxic that I started hiding from the world. I was trying to make myself ugly because my life felt ugly. My body was sending off warning signals and distress flares, I just wasn’t paying attention. And when I finally left the toxic situation I was in, I was able to finally start taking care of myself. I didn’t want to hide away from the world any longer, I was ready to take my control back.
This morning I stepped on the scale again for the first time in a week and 4 more pounds have been banished from my body. That is a total of 41 pounds I have lost since March. A lower number on the scale is great but better than that is that I can now see the difference in the pictures I take.
The pictures on the left are me at the beginning of this year or late last year. The pictures on the right are me now.
I can see it in how loose all my old clothes are. It shows in how little my ankles and knees hurt now-a-days. My skin is healthier. My PCOS symptoms are way less severe. All the signs are there. I am losing weight but I am also losing so much more than just pounds.
Each pound to me is like I am healing and moving on from everything that happened to me. I have never felt this comfortable in my own skin. I look directly into peoples eyes when I talk. I walk with my head held high. I wear different clothes. I can walk long distance in my wedges now without my ankles giving out. I smile. I greet strangers. I have even gone on a few dates. I have caught men watching me as I walk by with a small smile on their lips. Of course my goal isn’t to catch everyone’s eye but instead to feel good in this body I have to live in. I don’t want to hide any longer. I don’t need anyone’s approval. I approve. I feel good. I finally feel like I am becoming who I was always meant to become.
Now that I know what it feels like to feel this good, I refuse to allow anyone to let me feel the way I did before. I will never hide again. I will never allow someone to encourage me to hate myself and my body. I won’t keep playing down who I am to make someone else feel good about themselves. I won’t downplay my strengths because it intimidates someone. I am who I am and I like her. I worked really hard to be her.
So, what has weight loss done for you?