I am learning slowly that in order to address an eating issue, we must first find it within ourselves to identify why we eat or don’t eat. This is a hard part for me, I would rather blame it on a weak will or an inability to resist temptation instead of finding out why I have that weak will.
The truth is I am an amazingly strong determined person when I want to be and I have a deep distaste for being bigger, so why exactly have I fallen off the bandwagon or more like been ran over by the band wagon these last few months?
The holidays are always a problem time for me. I feel the need to connect with family and then am instead greeted with an overload of stupid drama. I feel the loss of not having kids to surprise with Christmas gifts or to plan a Santa surprise for or do a stupid elf on the shelf with. I feel the loss of those I love not here to celebrate the holidays with. These emotions seem to overwhelm me during the holidays and have completely taken over my usual cheerful disposition. This is combined with feeling amazingly lucky to have the loving people I do in my life, the one’s that lift me up and encourage me each day to do better, be better. I feel lucky to have people to spend the holidays with and lucky to have gifts to give to these people.
The dark mixes with the light and I find myself in good moments and then bad insecure and prone to eating anything sugar within my grasp moments. I can feel old habits of self comfort with food slipping back into the door I thought I shut earlier this year when I was celebrating losing 46 pounds.
My scale stares up at me each morning and each morning I do my hair/make-up then walk away. As I eat another darn cookie and the sugar headache flares up again, the one that has been plaguing me for a week now, I steadily blame it on allergies. Just a few months ago I was eating healthy and working on running. Now I just talk about eating right and running. I have become literally obsessed with cookies and baked goodies. Everything that my insulin resistant PCOS body really can’t handle.
Over the last week or two I have been forcing myself to go to the gym. I find that once I am working out I like it but the whole time I am working out I look around waiting for someone to snicker at the fat girl trying to run on the treadmill. I wipe the sweat off and pray that I don’t trip over my own feet. I can just picture myself flying off the back of the treadmill like some sort of cartoon, it is the reason I haven’t ran yet. I want to try Zumba but I find that I am afraid of not being able to survive the whole hour and someone will tell me I am a failure. These self conscious fears live deep down inside of me. They are harsh and judgmental. The truth is, no one is looking at me because they are too busy trying not to fall off their own treadmill or concentrating on their breathing as they rock out on the elliptical or worrying about if someone is laughing at them.
I am working on being brave. Brave enough to run on the treadmill no matter what the result. The husband has even offered to stand behind me just in case I fly off the back. Being brave enough to face my own demons, the fear of failing or the fear of not getting any results. Brave enough to not care what anyone thinks of me and doing it anyways. These are hard fears to face, especially since I haven’t wanted to face them since I was 12 years old and started gaining weight.
Sometimes I feel awkward in my own body, like it isn’t the body I am supposed to have. Was I really supposed to be this big? Was I supposed to have these health problems and spend so much of my time at the doctors office getting tests ran again or asking her more questions on weird symptoms? It feels like I was betrayed. In my own head I look completely different, I am healthy and a runner. I don’t shop in the plus size section and I like pictures of me when they are taken. I am no longer referred to as the fat sister or fat daughter (even though my close family would NEVER refer to me like that), I instead would be the youngest or blond sister or even the hot sister.
I am a creature of habits according to my husband. I fall back unto the same stress relievers I always have (eating and smoking), I drive the same route each day and I put everything back in the same place it was before.
But motivation is what I have been searching for and I just might have found it in the oddest place. Fashion. I love clothes and I love cute outfits. I absolutely love Lucky Jeans. But these name brand cute outfits, most of them don’t go up to plus size. So I am stuck in frumpy clothes or buying very very expensive clothes from plus size stores. I am sick and tired of it. I want cute clothes, sweater dresses with leggings, pencil skirts with button down shirts and skinny jeans with boots. All of these clothes are available to plus size women but they look awkward on me since my belly makes it look like I have no hips or butt or like I am pregnant. Every single time I think about skipping a workout I think all the clothes I want to buy.
So tonight I will go to the gym, I will get brave enough to run. Tonight I will eat a low carb healthy dinner and skip the desert. Tonight I will remember why I chose to start losing weight in the first place. Tonight I will attempt to yet again be less self conscious. Tonight I will sweat the crankiness out of my system and quit holding unto all the junk that keeps chasing me. Tonight I will put down the sugar.
In the mean time I should probably finish eating my left over asparagus soup, yum! Anyone else super tired and not feeling the whole having to work the day after Christmas thing? Yeah, me neither!
Hope everyone had a good holiday season. I know I am very lucky in a lot of ways but I am also very glad it is over this year.
Do you feel self conscious working out at a gym?