It is Wednesday and it is raining. The weather God does not like me at all. Every time I say I am going to do my couch to 5k program, he/she/it decides that it should rain. I am now debating between running in the rain or a Pilate’s work out video inside my warm house. I have a few free passes to try out this amazing racquet club my husband is going to start life guarding for in May, but I don’t want to drive that far today. So the debate continues inside my own head. I guess we will see how I feel at quitting time.
Day 3 is always my hardest day of quitting smoking, usually if I can make it over that hump, the rest of the time is a little easier. I’ll start sleeping easier, I will stop overheating for no reason and my tummy settles down. Doesn’t mean the anxiety attacks or symptoms go away completely, just means they ease up a bit. Day 3 is my mountain. So I am determined to stay busy tonight, exercising, cleaning and reading.
I have been feeling a lot of resentment lately. I am frustrated. For 4 weeks I have been idle, waiting in fear of the flu relapse and I still sometimes wake up worrying that stuffy nose is not just a stuffy nose.
Four weeks ago, I was working hard, I was very proud of myself and I had pushed my body beyond its boundaries. But now I feel nervous, shaky, unsure of myself and it is making me resentful.
I believe the saying, “a body in motion stays in motion,” full heartily. So the opposite applies as well. I can’t tell you how hard it was to start exercising after being a couch potato for YEARS. I can’t tell you how hard it was to convince myself to start the couch to 5k running program after years of wanting to be a runner but never actually running. I can’t tell you how hard it was to get up to 7 miles on my bike. How hard it was those first few times of riding or walking or running, how my lungs hurt, my ankles hurt and I moved slow. The biggest battle was doing it mentally. Learning to enjoy the burning of my muscles and look forward to pounding the pavement.
Now I find myself staring out the window, at other runners and wanting to run, wanting to do it, but feeling unsure of the first step again.
All I can think is, what if I can’t this time, what if I can’t make it 60 seconds of running with 90 seconds of walking, what if this last 4 weeks really pushed my fitness level back to 0?
I always think of the worst possible scenarios and before you know it I am a twitchy ball of anxiety. Just like my doctors appointment on the 9th of May, the one where I will be discussing Metformin and getting a physical, I am so nervous that the doctor will find cancer, or my blood pressure will be too high or that I won’t be able to take the Metformin. I have myself all worked up over a doctors appointment happening in roughly 3 weeks.
I obviously fall under the don’t want to know personality type. If it is bad, don’t tell me. But this same attitude has led me to where I am now with my weight, it has led me down some pretty bad financial roads and it has caused a lot of stress in my life. Because the truth is, deep down inside, I am imagining the worse and usually it isn’t the worst, it is usually manageable if I would have just faced it a whole lot sooner. My avoidance makes it worse.
I remind myself of the ostrich’s who stick their heads in the sand whenever danger approaches. Like closing my eyes somehow will change it. It never does in case you were wondering. I never can tell which is worse, the not knowing or the knowing. They both seem pretty bad in my head.
But I am working on it. I am working on facing the bad. Even when I don’t want to.
So rain or shine, I will find a way to exercise and start getting back on that wagon. I won’t give up on my weight loss journey just because I had to take 4 weeks off and it set me back a bit. It is time to move forward again!