I mostly try to keep my blogs light with a little bit of fluff, kind of how I like my for fun reading books to be as well. I enjoy laughing, I love making other people laugh and I think life needs a little bit of humor when you are attempting to do change your world.
But today I have no humor, I have a smile, just no humor. A cold hard reality slap like no other was given to me in the form of someone else’s good news. It isn’t my news to share dear blogging world, but I realized that all these feelings being brought up might be better written down than bouncing around my head.
I have a burden I have been bearing since I was 13 years old. The burden is called PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) but the name doesn’t even begin to describe the condition. It is genetic and basically is the problem of either too much testerone or estrogen in your system, sometimes accompanied by small cysts on your ovaries. I don’t have the cysts, I have the testerone. It is managed by diet and exercise. Sounds easy right?
No, not easy. This condition takes a hold of your whole body and wreaks complete and utter havoc. I will not go into the gory details, lets just say sometimes it isn’t very pretty. Sometimes the emotions that come with the condition can be very hard to contend with. Some days you feel great, but some days you just feel like crap. It is sort of like a war raging inside of you, you never know what your body will throw at you next.
Losing weight can be very difficult with this condition because your body wants to hold unto the weight. It means completing alternating your diet and exercise. It is a long journey of self discovery to figure out how to live with this condition.
The one thing I can’t cope with, the one thing that hurts the most, is the infertility it causes. I have always known I wanted kids, I didn’t know that I was going to have to fight my body to do it. I spent years in denial, angry and depressed. Then I started revolving my life around school, work and my husband. Convincing myself I needed the career first and I do need the career first. But the gaping hole inside of me, the uneasy feeling that my life is missing something sometimes creeps up on me and smacks me upside the head. Especially when I get other people’s good news.
The hardest part is watching my husband be hurt by it. I always thought of it as my burden to bear, but it is his as well. He loves me and tells me often he would never have chosen anyone different. He walked into this marriage knowing the problems I had, but that doesn’t make it any easier for him or for me.
So last night, I realized something, a moment, a single moment can change your life, you just need to decide when that moment is going to be.
This is my moment. Even though I am eating healthier, exercising on the weekends and it is showing some results, can I truly say I have been trying to lose the weight?
I am so tired of excuses, reasons and mental blocks. I have never put my all into getting healthier and don’t I owe it to myself? What if losing the weight does manage the effects of PCOS, what if it helps me get pregnant? How am I ever going to know if I don’t put my all in it?
What if it doesn’t says the negative voice inside my head.
But at this point I think I would rather know it didn’t work, but be healthier, than not know if it would have worked and sit miserably mourning my condition.
I want to live with PCOS, I don’t want PCOS to live my life for me.
And I have a wonderful idea of how to get it done. Each time I want to cry because this condition has kicked my ass again or someone pops up pregnant again, I will walk it, run it or bike it off. Channel my energy into something more worthwhile than plopping down to have a self pity cry. I am tired of self pity. I am ready for changes.
So my goal, 75 pounds by my 28th birthday in seven and a half months. Doable, I don’t know, but I am damn well going to try.
Ever have a health condition you have had to overcome? Ever have a moment that sparked you to change your whole life?