It is all over. When you open a magazine, turn on the TV or pop in a movie. It never fails that there is some leading lady, 110 pounds soaking wet with stunning features. Am I really supposed to look like that?
Don’t get me wrong, I love roles where women are bad asses, kicking some booty and taking names. But I despise that young women and even older women are being forced to stare at these women and think, “Wow I want to look like that.”
We all have different bodies, our bodies have different structures, some of us aren’t meant to be 110 pounds, some of us are.
Last night my husband and I watched a horrific episode of Bones. In this episode they were discussing child beauty pageants. I have never had a strong reaction to them, but I wouldn’t want my little girl parading herself around, being judged by her beauty. Isn’t there enough of that in the real world?
Either way, this sparked a lovely debate. The big question, how do you raise a little girl to be proud of who she is, what she looks like and to feel good about being healthy, when there is so many influences that tell her she isn’t perfect, so therefore she is ugly?
I thought about myself. I was a blue eyed, blonde haired child. I was popular because I was adorable. I was even skinny. I played softball, was a cheerleader, had a dazzlingly smile etc. In Middle School I got my period and it all fell apart. Now I know that I have a hormone condition that greatly alters my bodies way of coping with food. Back then I assumed I was cursed.
Slowly my pant size went up, I watched in horror as my friends exchanged clothes and I could no longer join in with them. Finding fashionable outfits in a size 14 back when I was a kid was nearly impossible. I envied the girls who wore flares and hated my stupid straight legged jeans.
I started wearing black, tying my hair up in buns, defying anyone to even say a word. Other kids picked up on that, they poked fun, made snide comments and slowly my popularity status disappeared. I stopped playing softball, I stopped cheerleading.
In High School I reconnected with my best friend from 3rd grade. She was bigger, but wore it proudly. She had confidence and didn’t care what people thought. I clung to her. She was my life raft in a storm of uncertainty and confusion.
There are many times in social situations I still feel awkward because of my weight. I have always been a friendly and outgoing person, but being about a 100 pounds heavier than I have ever been has chopped my confidence in half. I now stay silent, secluded, when I do attempt to make friends I analyze if they like me for hours, if what I said was stupid. I wonder if they are staring at my fat rolls or disgusted by me because I am bigger. All really horrible thoughts, but they pop up anyways.
I have denied my weight, hid my weight and hated myself. I have eaten horrible foods and sat on the couch for hours, even days in depression. It wasn’t till recently that I decided I needed a change. Hormone condition or not, I will make this weight loss thing work for me.
I will admit, the idea of cute clothes instead of the weird clothes they shove bigger women into is appealing. The thought of being able to shop with my mom and sister again would be amazing. But I don’t want to base my whole weight loss mission off of society and what they think I should look like. I would much rather just feel better and reverse the side effects dumped on me by my hormone condition that is aggravated by being too heavy.
Sometimes while watching TV I will suddenly think to myself, I just want to look like that. But I have to catch myself and give a stern lecture about being healthy and not worrying about fitting into a stereotypical beautiful category.
Isn’t that what is so amazing about people, we are all unique?
How do you feel when you look at magazines and see the models? Have you ever felt ugly because you didn’t look a certain way?