Woe is me

I am stressed and willing to admit it. It is making me crave Taco Bell (the one fast food restaurant I actually miss) and chocolate. It is also making me extra sensitive and prone to random snapping.

Complaint #1 of the week.. I broke my last pair of flats. I have slowly been throwing out my flats till I suddenly realized I only had one pair left. I promised myself soon I would find the time to get to Payless Shoe Source and buy a couple more. Yesterday my last pair broke. I almost cried. Now I am wearing heels.

Complaint #2 of the week.. My whole body aches. I spend 8 hours a day at work in a chair and another 4 hours in a chair at night at school. I get up periodically but still not enough. This usually wouldn’t be a big deal, but I haven’t been doing my yoga in the evenings to stretch out my poor aching cooped up muscles.

Complaint #3 of the week.. other peoples stress are rubbing off on me. I am taking on every one’s stress and not taking care of me. This is a problem. A big problem. I don’t mind being a shoulder to cry on or even a sounding board. I mind feeling used. I mind not getting the favor returned. I am not feeling very emotionally supported in my journey.

Complaint #4 of the week.. I need more fun in my life or more wine.. either one works right now!

Complaint #5 of the week.. my house is never clean anymore. Lord knows my husband tries. He does the dishes, cooks dinner and picks up the house several times a week. But he just isn’t as observant as me. He doesn’t notice that the floors need a sweeping, or that a load of laundry needs to be thrown in, or that the carpets need a good vacuuming or that the bathroom needs a good wipe down. He tries and I adore him for trying. He just isn’t as good as me. When I do have time to finally clean.. I am exhausted. I stare at my messy house wondering if it would be too expensive to hire a maid.

I try not to complain. I try to remember people have it harder then me. I also try to remember complaining doesn’t help, doing something does. At moments like this I can hear my mothers voice in my head, “Don’t play a victim, you are not a victim.”

I have always used yoga and meditation as a way to clear my mind, unwind and relax. Now I am not even doing that. I feel off balance. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I am falling behind. I feel fat.

As another bad day rolls around, my patient husband listens for hours as I list off my complaints. He is my best sounding board these days. His favorite pep talk consists of him smiling and saying, “just concentrate on you.” “This is not so easily accomplished, I am used to taking care of others,” is my usual counter argument. But for once I actually hear his words. They remind me what is important right now. The sad part is I already knew. He was just reminding me. what a sneaky guy he can be.

I think it is time.. to let go of what I can’t control and to stop giving it energy. To remember how important I am. To be thankful for the good things I have. To meditate and do yoga. To take walks. To get back to what makes me happy in life. To take more hikes to waterfalls. To remember who I am and to let what is going to happen happen. To have more fun and bake more cakes.

Wish me luck.


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